then who made god?


And today, I sit at a table outside the co-op, and I watch the shoppers come and go.

My lover says, you know when you’re watching porn?

And I say, you know when you’re reading Shakespeare? Hamlet says, what a piece of work is man—

How express, how admirable, says my lover.

Watch them come and go, I say, how sniggly, ticklish and incommodious. What a misfit and scurrilous confection is man. How fraudulent in reason, spurious in faculty. In form and moving botched and contrary. In action a casualty, in apprehension a clod. Nature’s miscue, evolution’s blunder, paragon of a witless world. And yet, to me, how divine this apotheosis of dust.

So you know when you’re watching porn?

I’m watching it now, I say. You see that woman walking to her car?—a rhombus in high heels. And those men? That one’s stomach rides a broken axle and this one’s hair filed for divorce and moved in with the comb. And that woman?—ankles of Swan Lake and the breasts of Valhalla. Age is a cubist and makes Picassos of us all.

So you’re watching a porno and the guy says suck my dick.

And the dick too, I say. That cock, that proud mercenary, forward operative, stalwart spy, master of espionage, explosives and under-miner of all defenses, roadblocks, counterscarps and cheval-de-frise’s—that brave, that stout, that unshrinking Hector, that unyielding Samson, reduced by age to the dignity of an oyster—pitiable, sad, and lamentable deflation.

But, says my lover, see, the guy doesn’t say: I want you or your pussy. He says: Turn around. I want it. He says: I want that pussy. Like he’s saying: Woman, get the fuck out of the way and give me the pussy. Doggy style, right? See? Symbolic. I’m looking at the wall while Daddy’s behind me takin’ care of business. Gonna’ fuck that little pussy till it squiches, squirts and gets all filled up. That’s it. That’s what it’s like. A woman’s got a pussy like she’s got a purse for a guy’s spare change.

And tits, I say. So curious in youth—

Do I say it? Asks my girlfriend. I don’t say ‘it, do I? See? You watch a porno and see what the bitch says. Fuck it. Fuck that little pussy. She doesn’t say, fuck my pussy. The guy says: Suck. My. Cock. Oh, hell yes. But a woman talks about her pussy like she got accessorized the day she was born.

Like velvet, I say. Divine velvet purse—

Like she got a little purse and two carryalls—accessorized.

tumblr_m91vfylofg1qfbon7o1_1280 (1)I hadde the beste quoniam myghte be, I answer. Copher. Twat. Snatch. Chute. Hootch. Vag. Kitty. Gash. Snapper. Flower. Peach. Honey Pot. Kitty. Quim. Cunny. Cunt. Oh my belovèd gash, divine slit and sweet briar, my much ado about nothing, you get all the names—my little venus butterfly.

Say it again, she says.

And I say it again in our nakedly bedroom.

And we two make love—glorious, besotted, befuddled fucking. I with my cock, my corkscrew; my bent, right-handed and unciform cock. And you with one tit hither and the other anon. And that cut and button—that delirious origami between your thighs. I will unfold it and celebrate. Lick me, I say, and fuck it you answer, fuck that twat, that dirty kitty, that filthy snatch with your rock-hard rod.

And, oh, I do my contumelious slut.

We bump, we wrawl, covort and skirl—a bumptious exorbitance of fucking! And afterward? My angel, I sigh. My satyr, you say and I say: spicy, sexy nymph. And you say: Saint. And how perfect our imperfections—we, couriers of the cock and pussy, made in the image of god.

will crimson | August 29 2016

Latest Comments

  1. stephaniesubmits says:

    Where to begin? There is no beginning. Wow! I’ve read this 4 times this morning. Funny, sexy, word porn of the highest order. What a thing to wake up to :)

  2. Liras says:

    You need a spanking with your own belt, for such a divine comedy of words. And… you make it look sooo easy and sooo effortless, as if you thought it up while brushing your shiny teeth. (Did you?) *grin* .

    • willcrimson says:

      So, the truth? A little glimpse into the life of Mr. W Crimson? Almost as bad as brushing my teeth. I was sitting on location at a Co-op, having biked there, while my truck was at the garage getting fixed. (Didn’t know what to do with myself.) My brief descriptions were based on real people. :-)

      That said, the “story”, if it can be called that, had been in the back of my mind for a couple days. They were two completely different ideas a threw together. Somehow it worked out — like hot dogs and baked beans.

    • willcrimson says:

      By the way—contumelious slut? Love saying that. Alliteration. I’ve been repeating it all day, like the The Girl From Ipanema. Just. Totally. Stuck in my head. Like I’m going to walk up to the next woman and say something like: “My dear contumelious slut, long time no see…” And she’s gonna’ be like: Should I be offended? What does contumelious mean…

    • Liras says:

      Ha ha. “from Latin contumēlia invective, from tumēre to swell, as with wrath .” Not many know a word but your luck might hold out and she does! And then saucily replies is she a encomiastic strumpet.

    • willcrimson says:

      I would die. Heaven. Right there. One encomiastic strumpet and her panegyrical popinjay.

    • Liras says:

      Oh gee, you never fail to come up with a good rejoinder!

  3. caryatid2141 says:

    I have never understood the phrase
    “that pussy” from the mouth of someone inches from my own mouth, cock in my pussy; someone who is fully aware of who I am and not treating either me or my pussy as a remote object, but very much as intimate personal friends. But reading this, I at least begin to understand that there is some joy on his part, for some reason I may never know, in stating it that way. I’m all for that joy (your joy) so I won’t get het up about it, even a little, anymore.

    • willcrimson says:

      Oh, thank you, Caryatid. You saved my soul. :) The sweetest comment I’ve ever received. Now when I go before God and he asks me how I could have spent my gifts writing erotica, I’m going to take your comment from my pocket. There’s some good to what I write, I’ll say. See? I’ve done some little bit of good. I’ve added some joy to the world. Tell me that wasn’t worth a little erotica.

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