The Fun House: Switched

The Fun House: Switched
by William Crimson

The Second Story of the Fun House

3dw4i2lt“What the hell?”

“I need a drink.” The screen door slams behind her. She goes to the refrigerator.

“Are you mental?” Ted asks. “Where’s Rhet? If he fuckin’ knows you’re here—”

“Shut up, Ted,” Sheila answers. “You always were a coward.”

Ted pushes himself off the couch. He eyes her hips as she rummages through the refridgerator. He hasn’t seen her in a good three or four weeks. He steps behind her, hands drawing her hips against his crotch. “Fuck the beer. You can have some later.”

Ted’s a quick man, fast with a knife or gun, but this time he’s taken down.

Sheila spins and opens a bottle on the ridge of his nose. Ted reels back, falling into the kitchen table and chairs. The leg of the table breaks and chairs skid across the floor. Blood fills his eyes. Sheila opens a drawer, slams it shut. Ted tries to sit up. The cool barrel of a pistol forces him back down. Sheila pours whatever beer is left into his eyes. “Jesus!” Ted squints and blows it out of his mouth. “What the fuck?”

“You’ve been fucking my wife?”

“You’re wife?”

“Yeah, Ted.” Shelia grits her teeth. “You’ve been fucking Sheila?”

“Are you fucking blitzed? What the—”

Ted tastes the barrel in his mouth. “I asked a fucking question: Have you been fucking Sheila?”


“Asshole,” the woman mutters. “I should just blow your fucking brains out.”

“Where’s Rhet?” Ted stutters. “Did he—”

“Funny you should ask.” Sheila draws the pistol out of Ted’s mouth. She yanks a upright and sits down. “Here’s a towel. Clean yourself up.”

“When did he find out?” Ted asks, finally able to see.

“About a minute ago.” Sheila points her gun at his nuts now. “When you pushed your cock into my ass.”

“You’re fuckin’ looney!”

“No,” Sheila leans forward, “I not. I’m Rhet, asshole. I’m not Sheila. I’m Rhet.

Ted laughs.

The pistol fires and Ted screams. There’s a hole in the floor just under his crotch. “Listen up. There were some kids. They buy pot from me. They told me about this old fun house. Said it was some kind of sex house. Said they knew some other kids went in. So,you know, the only thing I like more than drugs is sex, Ted. I decide to check it out and take Sheila with me.”

“Why are you fucking doing this to me?”

“Shut the fuck up. Just shut-up, Ted. If you open your trap one more time I’m not’ wastin’ the next bullet. Got it?”

“Yeah, Sheila. Sure.”

“So, I took Sheila—last night. I tell you, Ted, I never seen this building but it looks like it’s been there a hundred years. Got all kinds of naked bitches painted on the outside. I got a boner just looking at it. Sheila don’t want to go in. Fuck her. I take her in. So, what do you think I see?”

“No fucking idea, Sheila.”

“I’ll tell you, Ted. There’s an old guy sitting at a desk, like some kind of lawyer. Just sitting there and he’s all smiling. Tells us to come right in, he’s been waitin’ for us. Says his name is Comet, Cupid, Comus. Fuck if I know. He’s got papers all over his desk. Says: What do you want?

“I ask him where the fuck the sex joint is.

“He says: All you gotta’ do is sign some papers. It’ll be the best sex you have ever had. Fuck that, I say, but he says he’s gonna’ make me a deal. He says he can make my wife fuck me every day for a year. Guaranteed. Says it’ll be the best sex I ever had. That’s what I want, right?

“Sheila wants to read the contract but the lawyer says it’s just for the husband. Besides, I say, I already know everything I need to know. My wife’s gonna’ fuck me every day for a year and it’s gonna’ be the best sex I ever had. Want me to sign in blood?.

“But Sheila wants to read the contract.

“I’m losing it Ted. Somethin’ about the place is fuckin’ me up. I got a boner like a diamond. I say to Sheila. You want to read? Then fucking read it.

“I take the papers and I throw’em on the floor. Read it, I say.

“So Sheila gets on her hands and knees. I get behind her. I uncork my cock. Wham. I’m fucking her. There’s nothing more beautiful then a woman on hands and knees. She’s tryin’ to read and I swear Ted, pussy never felt so good.

“She’s gruntin’. I’m hammerin’. She’s comin’ and screamin’—but I bet you know all about that, Ted. This place has got us both fucked up. I never put so much spunk in a woman. You want me to sign?—I ask her. She doesn’t answer so I yank her hair and push till it’s gonna’ come out of her mouth.”

“You’re insane,” Ted mutters.

“I’m almost done—you dumb fuck. Soon as I sign the contract the lawyer says: Right this way. He takes us to this other door behind the desk. We walk out and where the fuck do you think we are? We’re outside again, in the fuckin’ weeds behind the fun house. One thing’s different, I’m lookin’ at myself, Ted. I see myself like I was lookin’ in the mirror. I’m in Sheila and Sheila’s in me. The son-of-a-bitch switched us!”

“But then you know what the bitch says to me? She says: Get on your hands and knees.

“Fuck that. I’ll fucking kill her. And you’d be fuckin’ dead if I’d known about you two yesterday.”

The trailer is quiet.

“You gonna’ shoot me with that?” Ted asks.

“Still decidin’.”

The door to the trailer is kicked open.


“Are you hurt?” Rhet asks, pointing a rifle at Sheila.

“Fuck you,” Ted answers and wipes his eyes with the towel.

“You were fucking Ted,” Sheila says.

“Yeah,” Rhet answers. “I was fucking him.”

Sheila doesn’t say anything first, then: “Okay. You read the contract. How do we get out of this?”

“It’s one year, babe,” Rhet answers. “One year. You fuck me once a day and if you don’t make me happy we stay like this. Right now I’m thinkin’ that wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Fuck you,” Sheila answers.

“Baby,” says Rhet, “first day’s almost up. You wanna’ be my bitch for the rest of your life? Then just you sit on that sweet ass till midnight.”

“Quel est le capitol de la France?” Ted asks.

“Paris,” says Rhet.

“Quel est mon deuxième prénom?” Ted asks Rhet.

“Votre deuxième prénom est Noland,” Rhet answers.

“Jesus.” Ted stares up at the ceiling. “Jesus-fucking-Christ.”

“T’a-t-il dit ce qui s’est produit ?” Rhet asks Ted.

“Yeah,” Ted answers, “he— I mean, she— Fuck. I don’t know what-the-fuck— told me what happened. I didn’t believe her.”

“So, Baby,” Rhet asks Sheila, “what’re we gonna’ do?”

Sheila’s crying.

“You like being a woman?” Rhet asks.

Sheila kicks at Ted, face screwed into a rage. He screams, draws his knees together, holds his balls. She kicks again, aiming for his face. Misses. Rhet shouts. Sheila throws the pistol. Glass shatters. And then silence again. Rhet lowers the rifle. “Baby, God knows I wanted you in my shoes.” He pauses. “Ted, will ya? Get up off the floor.”

Ted groans, rolls onto his knees. He pushes himself upright and painfully limps to the couch.

“Come over here,” Rhet says to Sheila. He forcefully takes her wrist and yanks her out of the trailer. Outside, he shoves her against the trailer. He tosses the rifle. He reaches behind her and takes her hair in his fist. Sheila refuses to look at him. Rhet uses his other hand to unzip his pants and flip out his cock. “Jesus,” he says.

“Yeah,” says Sheila. “Bet you like it, bitch.”


Sheila grunts.

“Who’s the bitch?” Rhet asks. “Tell me where these fingers are, you little cunt. You’re a wet little whore.”

Sheila squirms. Rhet leans and kisses her hard. He doesn’t stop till Sheila’s gasping for air. “You showed me something tonight,” he syas. “I saw myself and I didn’t know myself. Know why?”


“’Cause the woman I saw was strong. She done something I never would’ve. She stood up for herself. She beat the shit out of a guy who deserved it.” Rhet lets go of her hair, takes his fingers out of her cunt and backs away.

Something changes in the way Sheila looks at him. She walks up to him. Slowly, tentatively, Rhet feels her hand on his cock.

“Feels good doesn’t it,” says Sheila. She begins stroking his cock. “Every woman you see. You’re gonna’ think about her strokin’ your cock. Your gonna’ think about her on her hands and knees. You’re gonna’ imagine her with her cunt wide open just for you. You’re gonna’ think about what her lips would look like suckin’ it. This cock’s gonna’ rule your life.”

“Suck it.”

Rhet doesn’t move.

“I said, suck it. It used to be yours. Get on your fuckin’ knees and suck it.”

She doesn’t move.

Reht’s voice changes. Harder. He tears Sheila’s top down and over her tits. She’s surprised. He takes her left nipple and squeezes it hard, twisting it. Sheila cries out, then muffles her cry, biting Rhet’s chest, licking.

“I know baby,” says Rhet, all soft now. Sheila’s crying. “Baby, I know. I know how it feels. I know what it’s doin’ to you, hon. It’s okay. I ain’t gonna’ let go of your titty. Show me. Show me what it’s makin’ you feel.”

Sheila slowly kneels, her lips and tongue leaving a wet trail down Rhet’s chest and abdomen. Her lips slide almost reluctantly over her former cock, familiar yet profoundly strange. Then all at once she takes it into her mouth, sucking, moaning hungrily.

“Let me tell you somethin’ ’bout being a woman,” says Rhet. “Every man who sees you. He’s gonna’ be thinkin’ ’bout your tits. He’s gonna’ be thinkin’ ’bout his cock in your mouth and cunt. Every time you walk down the street. Every time you step out a door, some man’s gonna’ be undressing you and fucking you with his eyes. But your tits belong to me. Your cunt belongs to—”

Rhet grabs Sheila’s hair, jaws clenched, pumping semen as he jambs his cock into the mouth and throat that used to be his. He shouts with a last shudder, then finally lets go of Sheila, her hands uselessly flailing at his wrists, unable to breath. Sheila stumbles, almost falls, as she backs away and stands. She swallows, wipes her lips with the back of her hand, having tasted and swallowed semen, her own, for the first time.

She turns and then turns again as if she meant to say something.

“You’re stuck with me, Babe,” says Rhet leaning back against the trailer. “You’re gonna’ be tastin’, swallowin, getting’ your cunt and ass filled with a lot more of own spunk. Better get used to it. You’re a woman now.”

Sheila begins to laugh. “You didn’t—you didn’t fuckin’ last two seconds. Fuckin’ minute-mount. Sugar, how you gonna’ fuck anything. You can’t even last two seconds getting’ your cock sucked.”

Sheila got too close. Next thing she was on the ground, blood dripping for her split, Rhet standing above her. She tasted the blood, gave a short laugh, wobbled and fell when she tried to stand.

“What’s it like to be me?” she asked.

“Fuck. Fuck!” The next time Rhet was behind her, helping her stand. “Baby. I’m sorry. Fuck, baby. Baby, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Sheila shakes off his hands. She walks down the road. She looks back as she walks. She lifts her skirt. Lifts it up her thighs, sliding it up her ass and bunching it at the small of her back. She knows what men like to see. “Just sorta’ comes over you, don’t it.”

“I’m sorry, Baby.”

“You gotta’ year to make me a better man.”

“Where you goin’?”

“I don’t know where the fuck I’m goin’, Sugar.”

Rhet reaches her half down the road. He’s behind her. He kissing her neck. He’s lifting, then pulling Sheila’s skirt down and off her legs. He’s drawing back her head to lick the tears off her eyes and the blood off her lips. Sheila reaches behind her, above her, anything to hold onto and she turns. She kisses him as he tears open he1-sarcophagus-dolphins-rome-335x263r button-shirt.

Rhet turns her around again. Quick. He’s behind her, tugging her to her knees, bending her over. Sheila’s cry is a shocked inhalation—her own cock suddenly inside her, sunk and thrusting. She’s reached behind her, gripping Rhet’s hair in one hand, and the other braces herself against the dirt and gravel.

The fucking doesn’t stop.

Sheila’s hands and feet slip forward, grip, then slip again. Her cries are short. Louder. When she comes she thrusts her cunt back into thrust of the cock. She can’t help want Rhet’s fingers in her mouth, can’t help biting, can’t help sucking when she feels Rhet’s semen pulsing inside her, her semen—once again inside her—hers now, but mixing and volatile, hers and hers—uncontrollable. Rhet’s fingers move out of her mouth and pluck her nipples. She arches, cupping her abdomen, receiving him with the same frenzied desire with which she used to release.

“Jesus.” Rhet shudders, a new body, a man’s orgasm—fluid and pumping—quick at first, then a fading agony of pleasure.

“Hold me,” says Sheila.

It was already the best sex they’d ever had.

Latest Comments

  1. joebondibeach says:

    Tight. Hot. Fast. Straight line. I like it. (Poor Ted!)

  2. joebondibeach says:



    I sent two folks your way this evening after they commented on my Fun House contribution (eight years ago! as one reader pointed out) and asked for more. FWIW I have a half-assed draft for a second visit but it’s unlikely to see the light of day any time soon, so I told them to check out the two Fun House stories you have here as well as your other writing.


    • willcrimson says:

      Thanks Joe, hope they enjoy them. As with a dozen other projects, I’ve been meaning to get back to these. Me and my half-assed editing and revising…

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