Anal Sex, Lasagna and a Momentary Lapse of Reason • The Screenplay

Anal Sex, Lasagna and a Momentary Lapse of Reason 

or 

A Case Study in the Butterfly Effect
William Crimson

  • I’ve tried just about every narrative voice: first person and second person singular; first person plural; and second person singular. I would try second person plural but we’ve stopped using the ‘ye’ form in English. Alas. I’ve also tried the play format. The ridiculous combination of anal sex, momentary insanity and lasagna (a special request by wordsmithingimp) deserves the one format I haven’t tried yet: the screenplay. Do not use my screenplay as a model. It’s half performance piece. I’ve read that, nowadays, screenplay writers aren’t supposed to give any directorial directions, but since this is really a story written as a screenplay, I’ve inserted a couple of directorial instructions so the reader can imagine it as a short film. (And I’ve read all kinds of contradictory instructions, including indentation requirements down to the millimeter.) In other ways, I’ve tried to follow the rules if just to learn them. I registered the screenplay just for learning’s sake. (Yeah, so don’t get any ideas.) Other little niceties: One isn’t supposed to use italics or all caps in dialog, only underlining; and Courier 10 is apparently the font of all screenplays. (The industry still wants to pretend they’re all on Smith Coronas.) There are strict warnings not to include illustrations, but that’s a rule I’m going to break for the sake of the blog. Anyone with screen writing experience is welcome to correct any mistakes I’ve made, or simply make suggestions. Also, looking at other examples, the instruction to “superimpose” seems to come after the scene description but for the sake of clarity (and since timing is integral to the story) the superimpositions precede the scene descriptions. (This is a devilishly difficult format to reproduce on WordPress.) Anyway, this is a ride on the wild side, so hold on tight. Get your popcorn ready. Let the movies begin.

Corona Standard 007

A BLACK SCREEN.

SUPERIMPOSE:

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, where a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of a hurricane’s formation being contingent on whether or not a distant butterfly had flapped its wings several weeks before.

EXT. OUTER SPACE – DESCENDING INTO CLOUDS – CONTINENT – CITY – CITY BLOCK – CITY STREET – CARS MOVING TO LEFT AND RIGHT – CLOSE ON BROKEN TOOTPICK IN MIDDLE OF STREET – DAY

INT. HOSPITAL – HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Lady of Divine Mercy Hospital, 7:36 AM. September 15th

A business-like nurse enters with a distinctly British accent A patient is in bed in a full body cast. She reads the patient’s chart.

NURSE

Gerald Flaggarty? Is that your name?

Gerald grunts sharply.

NURSE

Really, Gerald, there’s no need to be short with me. Broken rib. Fractured jaw. Broken leg. Fractured pelvis. Punctured lung. Broken collar bone. Broken Arm. Bloody hell. Well, you’re in for a treat this morning. This will only be as unpleasant as you make it. You have some guests today – a couple of gentlemen, Antony and Dominick. They say they’re your uncles.

The nurse prepares to give the patient an enema. Jerald curses unintelligibly.

EXT. RESORT HOTEL – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Two Days Earlier

GREG, a skinny twenty-something grunge rocker with a missing front tooth. LONNIE, his wife, a 19 year old with a pierced nose, lip, ear, and eyebrow and Def Leppard tattoo on her forehead. They clink Champagne over freshly served Lobster with the Caribbean in the background.

EXT. GERG AND LONNIE – DINERS AT TABLES WITH LINEN TABLECLOTHS – CLOSE ON ELEGANT OUTDOOR TERRACE WITH SEA IN BACKGROUND

(VOICE OVER)

Imagine what a buck could do. Super Lotto Plus from the New York Lottery.

INT. SYNAGOGUE – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Two Days Earlier

JEFFREY, a balding and neurotic New York Doctor: fidgety, small, and with a perfectly manicured beard and mustache.

NOIRE, a blond, taller than Jeffrey, heavily lipsticked and well-endowed.

Jewish wedding. JEFFREY is slipping a ring on NOIRE’S finger. The pews are full of wedding guests. NOIRE is beaming.

JEFFREY

Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the laws of Moses and Israel

ON TWO WOMEN IN THE PEWS

The older woman happily wipes a tear from her eye.

OLDER WOMAN

I never thought he would get married. He’s – he’s just – just such an asshole. He always was, even when he was a little boy.

Younger woman pats her knee.

INT. RATTY LOW-INCOME APARTMENT HOUSE – BEDROOM – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: TWO WEEKS EARLIER

GREG and LONNIE are fucking. GREG is on top. LONNIE’s legs are straight up and make a perfect Y.

GREG

(simultaneously)

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! 

LONNIE

Yes! Yes! I see – I see stars! Oh my God it’s beautiful. Oh fuck me, Greg!

GREG

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

LONNIE

Yes! Oh Yes! Fuck me! Do me! Your so big! Oh my God, Greg!

GREG

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

LONNIE

Oh, you’re making me come! Right there! Right – harder. HARDER! OH FUCK! Don’t stop! OH – MY – GOD!

INT. RATTY LOW INCOME APARTMENT HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY – SUBJECTIVE CAMERA

SUPERIMPOSE: Twenty MINUTES EARLIER.

GREG and LONNIE at the kitchen table.

T.V.’S P.O.V. – GREG and LONNIE

GREG has stitches on his lips. LONNIE’S hands are splayed on either side of her cheek. Her hands are shaking.

LONNIE

(simultaneously)

Scream! Scream! Scream!

GREG

Yes! Yes! We won! Oh my God, we won!

LONNIE

Scream! Scream! Scream!

GREG

We won the fucking lottery! Jesus, fucking yes! Fucking fuck, fuck! YES!

LONNIE

Scream! Scream! Scream!

GREG

Twenty Six fucking million dollars! Twenty-fucking-six million cunt-fucking dollars! OH – MY – GOD!

INT. HOSPITAL – OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT – SUBJECTIVE CAMERA

SUPERIMOSE: 2 Days Earlier.

JEFFREY, in his surgical robe, a FEMALE DOCTOR and attending medical personnel.

GERALD’S P.O.V. – JEFFREY

JEFFREY

Oh. Gerald. Having a bad night?

FEMALE DOCTOR

You know him?

JEFFREY

(His voice rises until he’s shouting.)

Gerald almost made my life a living hell. And here you are again. And no, Gerald, you do not make Lasagna with cottage cheese.

FEMALE DOCTOR

(addressing someone off-screen)

We need the fucking anesthesiologist!

Jeffrey, icy and calm again, lifts his hands. A nurse snaps on a pair of latex gloves.

JEFFREY

I think we can proceed without anesthetics, Doctor. We can’t delay necessary medical procedures. Don’t you agree, Gerald?

INT. SUBWAY TRAIN – INTERIOR OF TRAIN – NIGHT

SUPERIMOSE: 2 MINUTES EARLIER

LONNIE is wiping off GREG’S bloodied mouth with a bandanna. GREG is looking through his wallet.

LONNIE

Hold still!

GREG

What the – ? A lottery ticket?

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 23 MINUTES EARLIER

JOE, a lanky middle-aged police inspector wearing a badge at his belt. FRANK, shorter and mustachioed. FRANK stands behind JOE.

SHOT: Through the shattered windshield of a car. The inspectors studying something ouf-of-focus on the windshield.

FRANK

What’s with the girl?

JOE

Don’t know.

FRANK

Don’t know?

JOE

She was kickin’ the guy when I showed up.

FRANK

Fucking mess.

JOE

Jesus but will you look at that.

FRANK

Joe, I don’t know if –

JOE

It’s like his guts are all over the car.

FRANK

Joe –

JOE

Poor sap. Guy must have been doing a 100.

FRANK

Joe, I –

JOE

(pausing between each word)

Wait – a – minute –

Joe reaches forward, touches, then tastes his finger. Frank faints straight backwards, disappearing from view.

JOE

Frank, those aren’t guts. That’s fucking Lasagna. Frank? Hello? Frank?

INT. JEFFREY’S UPSCALE UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING – DINING ROOM – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 2 MINUTES EARLIER

JEFFREY is uncharacteristically disheveled. His slacks are around his ankles. His briefs hang at his calves. His tie is over his back and his white buttoned down shirt is unbuttoned and the sleeve is torn. His arm is around the waist of NOIRE. Her hair is loose, mussed and her torn black evening gown hangs diagonally from one shoulder across her naked back. We see them from the back. They stare out the apartment window. Lights flicker and glow below the window.

NOIRE

Isn’t the sky beautiful. Oh, Jeffrey…

JEFFREY

A car smashed into – into a lamp post. The Wattler’s building is on fire.

NOIRE

Who cares, Jeffrey.

She tries to kiss him.

JEFFREY

Ten… twelve… stop, will you? I’m counting them. Twelve police cars and look at the firetrucks… and that girl. Stop! I saw that girl. Look! Right there! She was in the store today. That girl down there. See? She’s fighting the firemen. Who fights firemen? She’s fighting the firemen.

NOIRE turns. She tongues JEFFREY’S ear. She grinds against JEFFREY’S hips.

NOIRE

Who cares about the girl, Jeffrey. Think about me. Me, Jeffrey. Do it again. Do what you did to me again. Make me scream. Make me your woman. Make me your whore, Jeffrey. Do me again.

JEFFREY turns to hungrily kiss NOIRE. She falls backward and they fall from view. The sound of a pager is heard.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 20 SECONDS EARLIER

Policemen, police cars, flashing lights, water on the street, fire engines, firemen spraying a smoking apartment window. A totaled Mazda Miata has knocked over a lamp post. Medics lift an unconscious man onto an ambulance gurney. KATHY, an upscale girl in high heels and a soiled white tube skirt is being carried horizontally and midair by firemen, one on each leg and arm. She’s kicking and screaming, cursing at GERALD, unconscious, being lifted onto the gurney.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

SUPERIMOSE: 40 SECONDS EARLIER

Kathy stumbles out of the car. She’s wobbly. Her white tub skirt is scuffed and charred and her blond hair is frizzed and on end.

KATHY

(screaming)

You fucktards! You’re all fucktards!

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

SUMPERIMPOSE: 12 MINUTES EARLIER

GREG and LONNIE stumbling out of the totaled Miata. GERALD lies in the middle of the road. The window, into which the lamp post has fallen, is catching fire.

GREG

(feeling his mouth)

My tooth! He knocked out my my fucking tooth!

LONNIE

We’ve got to get out of here, Greg! SHIT!

GREG

Wait!

LONNIE

I think that girl’s — She’s knocked out! What do we do?

GREG

I want the fucking Berluttis!

LONNIE

Will you forget the shoes! Can you? Fuck! We’re in so much fucking trouble! And fuck the wallet!

GREG steps toward GERALD and cries out, hopping.

GREG

What the fuck?

He lifts his left foot and plucks a broken tooth pick from his heel. He throws the toothpick behind him and limps over to GERALD. He digs through GERALD’S pockets until he finds his wallet, then tugs off the shoes.

GREG

(spoken to Gerald)

You dumb fuck!

LONNIE

She’s waking up.

GREG returns to LONNIE and KATHY. He lightly slaps KATHY’S face. She opens her eyes.

GREG

You okay?

KATHY

I’m gonna’ kill him.

GREG

Yeah, you’re okay.

GREG grabs LONNIE. They run to the motorcycle. He manages to haul it upright and, together, they ride it, wobbling, out of the scene.

INT. JEFFREY’S UPSCALE UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING – DINING ROOM – NIGHT

SUPERIMOSE: 4 MINUTES EARLIER

JEFFREY and NOIRE fucking on the floor.

Floor level, facing JEFFREY and NOIRE. JEFFREY is fucking NOIRE from behind. He’s holding her head back by the hair. Her mouth and eyes are wide. The apartment window is above and behind them.

JEFFREY

(shouting and thrusting wildly)

Cunt! How about now?

NOIRE

Deeper!

JEFFREY

Deeper? You like it now? How about now?

NOIRE

God, damn-it! Deeper! Violate me!

JEFFREY

Cunt! I’ll give you fucking deeper, you fucking cunt! You like it? You like it now?

NOIRE

I like it! Oh God, Jeffrey, I like it! Violate my boundary!

JEFFREY

Say it again!

NOIRE

Violate me!

JEFFREY

Again!

NOIRE

Shove it, deep, Jeffrey! Shove it up deep inside me!

JEFFREY

Say it, cunt! Say it!

NOIRE

(screaming)

Oh fuck, Jeffrey! I love it! I love – love – oh – I love you!

tumblr_lmv9t0AA951ql6zn9o1_400

While they fuck, the sound of screeching tires is heard, then a pause, then more screeching tires, then a horrible collision and an explosion that lights up the window behind them just as JEFFREY and NOIRE orgasm.

INT. CITY STREET – KATHY’S MIATA

SUPERIMPOSE: 20 SECONDS EARLIER

GREG is driving and LONNIE is bracing herself, arms straight, against the dash. She looks terrified. Kathy has a foot on the dash and a hand braced against the roof of the car.

LONNIE

Greg, stop the car!

GREG

I got him!

LONNIE

Shit! Can we just forget about the –

The Lasagna explodes on the windshield. LONNIE screams. KATHY screams. GREG swerves. GERALD bounces off the hood of the car, into the exploded lasagna of the windshield, and off into the center of the street. Greg, unable to see through the lasagna or cracked windshield, drives the Miata into a parked car, totaling it.

KATHY

My car!

LONNIE

(screaming)

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I can see his intestines! Oh shit. They’re all over the windshield! Fuck! Oh my God!

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 10 SECONDS EARLIER.

GERALD, a scrawny, pale 26 year old with dirty brown hair, half punk and half goth wearing a leather jacket with spikes and chrome cuffs. He lies face down in the middle of the street. When he pushes himself upright the imprint of the manhole cover is on his face. He rises to one foot, wobbles, and tries to find the motorcycle. He stumbles and leans against a parked car. He shakes his head and tries to clear his vision. GERALD goes to pick up the motorcycle. The front tire is flat with a mangled fork protruding from it. He curses. He kicks at the motorcycle and circles furiously. He leans back as if to shout in rage, but stops. He sees something. A tray of lasagna hurtles out of a fifth story window. Sound of squealing tires. KATHY’S Miata barrels around the corner. Headlights. The lasagna strikes the windshield. The car veers. GERALD screams.

INT. JEFFREY’S UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING – JEFFREY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT

SUPERIPMOSE: 5 SECONDS EARLIER.

NOIRE circles the table, keeping Jeffrey on the opposite side. She defensively holds a fork in front of her. JEFFREY’S moves left, then right. His face is beet red.

JEFFREY

I thought you liked cottage cheese.

NOIRE

I dare you.

JEFFREY

Don’t dare me.

NOIRE

Oh, Jiffy, I double dare you!

JEFFREY

You’re crossing the line!

NOIRE

Am I too much for you?

JEFFREY

(he lunges)

I can get more if it’s not enough!

NOIRE throws the fork at him. JEFFREY ducks and the fork flies out the window.

JEFFREY

(icily)

That could have hit me.

NOIRE picks up the tray of Lasagna.

NOIRE

It was supposed to Jeffrey! Let’s try the Lasagna. It was made with cottage, fucking cheese!

JEFFREY

Don’t you dare!

NOIRE

(laughing)

What? Going to throw a fit, Jiffy? Going to hop around like a little boy? Here it is!

NOIRE hurls the Lasagna. JEFFREY ducks. The lasagna soars out the window.

JEFFREY

Why you – God – CUNT!

JEFFREY snarls viciously and leaps across the table.

EXT. A GAS STATION MINI-MART– NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 8 MINUTES EARLIER

SUDI, a hippie-girl wearing sandals, beads, flowers, a hemp skirt and sleeveless top with a peace sign, is beating the pulp out of Kathy’s Miata with a baseball bat. GERALD bursts out of the mini-mart, running, then falters when he sees SUDI.

GERALD

Baby – what the fuck are you doing?

SUDI

(swinging at the Miata)

Oh, a Miata’s not good enough for me? How about this? Is this better for a hippie chick? Where did you get this, Gerald? Did you buy it for your new ‘fuck’?

Gerald approaches, keeping the car between him and Sudi.

GERALD

Look, baby, just put down the bat?

Sudi slams the driver side door with the bat.

SUDI

In a hurry?

GERALD

It’s not my car, bitch!

KATHY bursts out of the mini-mart.

KATHY

(enraged)

Gerald! You fucking –

She drops the bottled water.

KATHY

My car! Oh my God! That’s my car! What are you doing to my car? Gerald, who the fuck is that girl?

SUDI

Uh – I’m so sorry! I thought – oh my God! This was – You were –

Immediately behind KATHY, LONNIE and GREG appear. When GERALD sees them, he runs to the driver’s side of the Miata. SUDI stands back, confused. GREG pushes LONNIE and KATHY out of the way. He bolts toward the Miata. GERALD tries to frantically open the driver’s side door but SUDI’S beatings have jammed the door. GREG jumps over the hood of the car. GERALD punches him in the mouth. GREG rolls to the ground, dazed. Gerald laughs. He kneels next to GREG, quickly fishes through his jacket pocket, and pulls out the keys to GREG’S motorcycle.

GERALD

Dumb-ass.

GERALD climbs onto the motorcycle. GREG pushes himself upright and furiously punches the air when GERALD tears out of the mini-mart on his motorcyle. He turns, furiously yanks at the Miata’s driver side door until it finally opens.

LONNIE

Greg! Wait!

LONNIE runs to the passenger side and jumps in.

KATHY

My car! That’s my car!

Before LONNIE can close the door, KATHY narrowly dives in just as GREG revs the Miata and punches the accelerator.

GREG

He’s – those are my Berluttis and that’s my fucking motorcycle!

KATHY

That god-damn son-of-bitch came in me!

INT. MINI-MART – GROCERY ISLE – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 5 SECONDS EARLIER

KATHY has just picked out some bottled water. She stops. She reaches between her legs. When she withdraws her finger, it’s slick with semen.

INT. MINI-MART – PREP ROOM – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 54 SECONDS EARLIER

The Prep Room is empty. The MANAGER, a bearded, overweight man in his late forties can be heard shouting from the front of the store.

MANAGER

You’re all fucking out of here. Out! Your – ? What the fuck?

The Manager enters the prep room and finds LONNIE looking for the key hole.

LONNIE

(at wit’s end)

I’m so sorry. I just – Gerald locked Greg in the freezer. I don’t know where to unlock it.

The MANAGER walks past her. He opens the freezer door. He looks at her as if to say, ‘duh’. Greg, shivering, tumbles out of the freezer.

INT. MINI-MART – FRONT COUNTER – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 1 Minute and 21 SECONDS EARLIER

GERALD is waving a fiver under the MANAGER’S nose. KATHY is in a grocery isle.

MANAGER

What do you want, Gerald?

GERALD

I want to make a purchase.

MANAGER

Oh ho! You have money? And a wallet? You mean you actually save money, Gerald? I’m proud of you.

GERALD

(pissy and quick)

Yeah, well, if you actually paid shit for wages, maybe somebody could make a fucking living in this shit hole.

MANAGER

Don’t like it, quit.

GERALD

I want a lotto ticket.

The MANAGER runs out a ticket. GERALD lets the bill slip out of his fingers onto the counter.

MANAGER

You know you’re a dick, Gerald.

GERALD points to KATHY.

GERALD

Know what? See that cunt in the high heel shoes and white tube skirt. She just sucked my cock.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. MINI-MART – PREP ROOM – NIGHT

KATHY is on her knees, tube skirt pushed down over her breasts and lifted up over her hip. She’s sucking GERALD’S cock.

tumblr_m2li00hkzR1r2vtzno1_500

BACK TO PRESENT:

Gerald nods in Kathy’s direction.

GERALD

(sniggering)

I fucked her, bent over, on the prep table. She’s got my cum in her twat right now. She’s full of cum. Thinks I was wearing a condom.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. MINI-MART – PREP ROOM – NIGHT

Level with the table. KATHY’S face, eyes rolling, GERALD is fucking her from behind.

KATHY

(between thrusts)

Don’t – come in me! Are you wearing a condom?

GERALD

Fucking yeah, bitch!

KATHY

(screaming)

Fuck! I’m coming! Come with me, baby! Come with me!

tumblr_m7s95wEP8d1qgl5swo1_1280

BACK TO PRESENT:

GERALD

How’re you doing? Gettin’ any?

MANAGER

Know what? I want you and your fucking friends back in the prep room, out! You’re done. You’re fired. Don’t ever come back. And, yeah, I know you’ve been dealing weed and storing it in my freezer. Good stuff.

GERALD waves the lottery ticket.

GERALD

Fuck you. Fuck your Momma. Fuck you all. This little cunt, right here, is a winner.

MANAGER

Some hippie chick was looking for you right about the time you were knocking up tube-skirt. I sent her back to look for you. When she came back she asked me if we sold baseball bats. I gave it to her. Gratis. Told her to have a ball with it.

INT. JEFFREY’S UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING – DINING ROOM – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 15 MINUTES EARLIER

JEFFREY sets a tray of Lasagna on the dining room. The table is immaculately set. NOIRE is already seated.

NOIRE

Lasagna? Oh Jeffrey –

JEFFREY

I don’t normally make lasagna.

NOIRE

Let’s eat.

Noire reaches for the serving fork in the lasagna.

JEFFREY

I couldn’t find ricotta cheese. Try to find ricotta cheese on a Sunday.

Noire hesitates, then withdrawals her hand.

JEFFREY

What’s wrong?

NOIRE

Nothing.

JEFRREY

No, what’s wrong?

NOIRE

Nothing.

She smiles awkwardly and reaches for the fork again.

JEFRREY

No. You hesitated.

NOIRE

Jeffrey, I just – it doesn’t matter.

JEFFREY

No. It matters. I can’t – you need to communicate with me.

NOIRE

Jeffrey –

JEFFREY

I work hard. I had three surgeries today and every nurse thinks she’s a doctor. I am stressed. I lead a stressful life. I just want to come home and relax. I’m sorry the lasagna isn’t perfect.

Noire pointedly withdraws her hand and straightens in her chair.

NOIRE

Okay, Jeffrey. You want to communicate? Let’s communicate. What did you use?

JEFFREY

Cottage cheese. I’m glad we communicated. Can we eat?

NOIRE

No, we can’t eat. Where did you get the cottage cheese, Jeffrey?

JEFFREY

I used yours. It was in the refrigerator. I used your cottage cheese. It was there. It was easy.

NOIRE

Really?

JEFFREY

Really.

NOIRE

My cottage – Jeffrey, first of all, you don’t make lasagna out of cottage cheese.

JEFFREY

I had to use what was available.

NOIRE

Cottage cheese isn’t available. It’s never available, Jeffrey; not for lasagna!

JEFRREY

Really?

NOIRE

Really, Jeffrey.

JEFFREY

Well tell that to the lasagna. The lasagna has cottage cheese in it. It’s cottage cheese lasagna.

NOIRE

Oh I’m sure you must have been desperate because not one deli in the entire god-damn city, Jeffrey, the entire god-damn city had ricotta cheese!

JEFFREY

I had a flat tire!

NOIRE

How convenient.

JEFRREY

It was a toothpick. I had a flat tired because of a tooth pick.

NOIRE

(laughs hysterically)

A toothpick?

JEFFREY

I am a doctor. I am a surgeon! I do not go on walks, for God knows how many city blocks, looking for ricotta cheese!

NOIRE

Oh, well, Mr. Worshipful Surgeon. What am I? Chopped liver? Do I inconvenience you?

JEFFREY

It is just cottage cheese lasagna. Ninety-nine out of a hundred six year olds are capable of demonstrating more maturity than you.

NOIRE

That’s not the issue and you know it.

JEFFREY

Oh, really? Good. Then I’m glad we’re communicating. Tell me what the issue is. Communicate the issue.

NOIRE

Boundaries, Jeffrey! Boundaries! You know I was saving that cottage cheese for a soirée I had planned for tomorrow evening. That was gourmet cottage cheese.

JEFFREY

Oh – well – then you have gourmet lasagna.

NOIRE

(through her teeth)

You don’t make gourmet Lasagna with cottage cheese! And you don’t just take my cottage cheese! Boundaries, Jeffrey, I have boundaries. You are not respecting my –

JEFFREY

It’s just fucking cottage cheese!

NOIRE

No it’s not! It’s not just fucking cottage cheese. It’s cottage cheese with a little fence around it. Jeffrey. And do you know what the name of that fence is? RESPECT! Respect for me is respect for my boundaries.

JEFFREY

Boundaries? I work a twenty-four hour shift. I don’t have the luxury of boundaries. I reach into somebody’s chest cavity to massage their heart; do I ask them if it’s okay? Am I violating your boundary? I hope I’m not violating your boundary, ’cause on some days I sure don’t want to be there but I don’t have any boundaries. Joe Cholesterol doesn’t have boundaries. He eats butter on a stick for breakfast and that means at 1:36 AM I get called to the hospital. Does he think about me? Does it occur to him that I have a life. That I would like just one god-damn night of uninterrupted sleep? You’d think that maybe I could get a little break for using cottage cheese to make lasagna.

NOIRE

(furious)

You know what? Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if you massaged my heart just a little! I am your fiancé. I was your fiancé! And you can shove your cottage cheese lasagna straight up your ass!

JEFFREY

Oh, no. No. No. No. There’s a little cottage cheese left. It’s gourmet. Maybe you’d like a snack before bed? How about straight up your ass.

JEFFREY, beet red, storms to the kitchen. He returns with the container of cottage cheese in one hand, unzips his pants with the other and shoves his cock into the container. It’s covered with cottage cheese. NOIRE bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

NOIRE

You don’t have the nerve. You’re going to shove that up my ass?

JEFFREY throws the cottage cheese aside and approaches the table. NOIRE scurries to the opposite side.

NOIRE

(laughing hysterically)

Aren’t you proud yourself! Just look at you. How about Jiffy? That’s a good name for a little boy. Jiffy! Jiffy! Jiffy! I’ve been waiting for Jeffrey but all I get is Jiffy – little boy Jiffy with his penis in the cheese! I’ve been waiting for a man – a real man – but I get the man puts his penis in cottage cheese.

JEFFREY

Noire? What blond names themselves Noire? That’s – normal, isn’t it.

NOIRE

Fuck you, Jeffrey. Fuck you.

JEFFREY

Come and get it.

NOIRE

You’re not man enough to give it to me?

INT. MINI-MART – GROCERY ISLE – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: 2 MINUTES EARLIER

KATHY, making sure the MANAGER can’t see her, lifts up the bottom of her tube skirt. She’s not wearing underwear.

KATHY

Hey, baby, thanks for washing my car. Ready for your reward?

tumblr_m3w9bu5K7L1qkjp6jo1_500

INT. MINI-MART – PREP ROOM – EVENING

SUPERIMPOSE: 15 MINUTES EARLIER

GREG

Dude, you put the weed in the freezer?

GERALD, nervous, makes sure the MANAGER isn’t coming in.

GERALD

What.

GREG

Dude, the freezer?

GERALD

Dude, you want it to mold?

GREG

Dude, you can’t freeze trim.

GERALD

Dude, freezing trim makes the trichomes brittle – easier to collect.

GREG

Dude, freezing trichs breaks the cell walls –

LONNIE

(whispering)

Guys!

GREG

Show me the weed and I’ll show you the money.

GERALD

The money and I’ll show you the weed.

LONNIE

(whispering)

Guys! Fuck it! Greg, just give me the wallet. I’ll hold it. Gerald, open the door so Greg can get the weed.

GERALD

And the shoes.

GREG

You’re shitting me!

GERALD

We’re not supposed to wear shoes in the freezer.

GREG

But it’s okay to hide weed in a freezer?

LONNIE

Greg, just take off your shoes.

GREG

Dude, these are Beluttis.

GREG gives LONNIE the wallet and takes off his shoes, never taking his eyes from GERALD. GERALD nods and opens the freezer door. As soon as GREG goes in he slams it shut with his foot.

LONNIE

Gerald! What the fuck!

GERALD holds up the key and dangles it over LONNIE’S head. He holds out his other hand for the wallet.

LONNIE

(under her breath)

You’re a dick, Gerald.

She hands GERALD the wallet and GERALD drops the key into her hand.

EXT. CAR WASH – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 45 MINUTES EARLIER

SUDI, working at the carwash.

SUDI

Holy Shit, Gerald, is this your car?

GERALD looks at the car, turns back.

GERALD

Yeah.

SUDI

No Shit!

GERALD grabs his crotch.

GERALD

Want a ride?

FLASHFORWARD:

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY

SUDI is on her back on the hood of the Miata. Her legs spread. GERALD is fucking her. Sounds of screams, hers; and grunts, his.

BACK TO PRESENT:

SUDI

Oh, fuck yeah.

EXT. MINI-MART – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 1 HOUR and 3 MINUTES EARLIER

A TOW TRUCK driver, wearing blue overalls, is handing a credit card back to JEFFREY, and a toothpick.

FLASHFORWARD:

EXT. OUTSIDE JEFFREY’S UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY

JEFFREY throws the toothpick into the road as he steps out of his car.

BACK TO PRESENT:

JEFFREY impatiently tosses a small bag of groceries into the passenger seat as he climbs into his car. He tears off.

INT. MINI-MART – DELI COUNTER – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 2 MINUTES EARLIER

SHOT: Looking down the counter. GERALD to left, behind the counter, and JEFFREY to the right. In the shop window beyond them the TOW TRUCK DRIVER is changing a flat on JEFRREY’S BMW.

GERALD

Dude, we don’t have ricotta.

JEFFREY

I am not a dude. I am a surgeon. And I don’t have time for this. Where is your Gustiamo?

GERALD

Dude, you’re at a mini-mart.

EXT. MINI-MART – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 53 SECONDS EARLIER

The TOW TRUCK DRIVER is pulling a toothpick out of a tire with an expression of disbelief.

EXT. TO THE SIDE OF A DIRT ROAD – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 33 MINUTES EARLIER

KATHY is standing up, having squatted behind a tree. She pulls up her panties and pushes down her tube skirt. She wobbles and stumbles, on her high heels, as she makes her way from behind the trees. She pauses to look at the Miata. She frowns. She swipes her finger across the hood, noticing dust. She bites her lip and smiles. She reaches under her tube skirt, hips going left and right, and bends over as she pushes down her panties. She twirls them on her finger as she climbs into the car, then stuffs them in the glove compartment.

INT. ROW HOUSE – BEDROOM – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 7 HOURS and 22 MINUTES EARLIER

SUDI is on her bed, fingering the beads of her nacklace.

SUDI

(into phone)

I have to work.

(beat)

No, at the carwash, Gerald.

(beat)

A half hour. That’s – no, that’s all they give me. Can you be there?

(beat)

You are?

(beat)

You know I miss your cock. I miss your cock, baby. I miss your cock so much.

tumblr_m304i0x9RF1qkjp6jo1_400

EXT. CITY STREET – INSIDE A LIMOUSINE – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 16 MINUTES EARLIER

GERALD and two men: ANTONY and DOMINICK. They’re hair is slicked back. ANTONY is wearing Armani and DOMINICK is wearing Hugo Boss. GERALD is distracted by a girl walking by outside.

DOMINICK

(to GERALD)

No. Don’t look at that cunt out the window. Look at me. These are the numbers. You can fucking buy her a week from now.

Dominick thumps GERALD in the middle of the forehead with his index finger.

DOMINICK

Memorize them. Don’t fuck it up. Look at me. All you got to do is buy a fucking ticket. Put down the fucking numbers, get your picture taken, tell the world how fucking lucky you are, and we’ll take care of the rest. You’re never going to have to work another day of your life.

GERALD

Why don’t you buy it Dominick?

DOMINICK slaps GERALD – a quick hard shot. GERALD’S head snaps back and he inhales, shaking his head.

DOMINICK

(to Antony)

I can’t fucking believe this.

ANTONY

Just give him the numbers, Nicky.

DOMINICK

(to Gerald)

Hey brain, why the fuck do you think? Local mobster wins state lottery. Hey, what the fuck! It can happen to anybody, right? Just don’t fuck it up. It’s easy. Buy the ticket, give him the numbers, and you’re a rich man. A fucking idiot could do this.

DOMINICK slaps GERALD up side the head again.

DOMINICK

Capish?

EXT. CITY STREET – SIDEWALK – DAY

SUMPERIMPOSE: 2 MINUTES EARLIER

GERALD looks at his watch. He has a toothpick in his mouth. He looks left, then right, waiting.

GERALD

(his hands shaking)

Fuck it.

He takes the toothpick out of his mouth and throws it contemptuously into the road. He digs in his packet and takes out a pack of cigarettes, knocks out a cigarette, lights it, takes a deep drag, and relaxes.

EXT. CITY STREET – A TOOTHPICK UPRIGHT IN THE CRACK OF THE STREET – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE:

A dynamical system displays sensitive dependence on initial conditions if points arbitrarily close together separate over time at an exponential rate. The definition is not topological, but essentially metrical.

If M is the state space for the map , then displays sensitive dependence to initial conditions if for any x in M and any δ > 0, there are y in M, with such that

d(f^\tau(x), f^\tau(y)) > \mathrm{e}^{a\tau} \, d(x,y).

The definition does not require that all points from a neighborhood separate from the base point x, but it requires one positive Lyapunov exponent.

Latest Comments

  1. vanillamom says:

    *guffaw*

    omfg…

    It took a minute or two or three for my brain to start rolling the reel…so fucking complicated…but what a fucking genius piece of work..

    I bow to you, Master cinematographer/screenwriter.
    Fucking *brilliant*…

    nilla

  2. paul1510 says:

    Will,
    ingenious, and yes it definitely works.
    Paul.

  3. April says:

    Wow, not what I expected. Once you get into the, uh, rhythm, not too diificult to follow.
    I don’t think I will ever look at cottage cheese the same again!
    Very nice!

    • willcrimson says:

      Okay. So that totally piques my curiosity. What were you expecting? Purely out of academic curiosity. I’d love to know how someone else would have written this story.

    • vanillamom says:

      I’ll write something along how my mind was thinking and send it to you offline…you’re so …elevated…in your thinking that you have dazzled my prior thoughts and I’ll need a good rest to recall my thoughts on how you’d go with it.

    • April says:

      So, I have thought and thought, I had a few ideas for other stories using these prompts. However when I compared them to what you wrote, my ideas simply didn’t stand a chance . They were too ‘ it’s been done before’ or just plain silly.

      I will admit that I did not actually try to write a story using my ideas. Unfortunately, I am too scared to allow my creative juices to flow freely and follow whatever path said juices might choose.

      As to what I expected, something more ‘ run of the mill’, more romantic, more normal.
      But really, when I thought about my expectations, I realized that the very reason I admire what you write is because it isn’t ‘run of the mill’, normal, or expected.

      So, I shall, as others have already done, bow before your genuis.

      April

    • vanillamom says:

      I’m with April…I spent all day thinking about this and my stuff was just too…run of the mill and mundane compared to this. I’ve been thinking about this story ever since I read it and really, Will, I have to hand it to you…this piece is sublime genius….I’m planning on reading it again next week when I’m relaxing….

      nilla

    • willcrimson says:

      Okay, you do know that calling me a genius goes straight to my head, right? Just so you know…

    • vanillamom says:

      it can go right to your head…or anywhere else you like. :)

      This was truly amazing…that you captured the time in such short bits but each an integral part of the story? And worked it backwards that way? Brilliant. Every time I think about this I go …yes….yes…it is freaking awesome work. You genius you.

      :)

    • vanillamom says:

      and let us not forget…with my comma disease, there, well, just…could not, ever, be a story, that I, could come up with.

      *grin*

  4. April says:

    Oh, and I agree, it works.

    April

  5. wordsmithingimp says:

    Will. Dear Will. You are a beautiful person. I’m not really planning on children or even pets any time soon, but this might just merit me naming my first anal toy after you.

  6. thelustfulliterate says:

    Fascinating, utterly creative…and that title – it drew me in immediately. So much goodness here.

  7. Aiona says:

    LOL! It’s like you read my mind. You’re creepy, Will. And I found one typo. Will mail it later.

    • willcrimson says:

      Hey Aiona, maybe there’s only so many things you can do with anal sex, lasagna and momentary insanity? Cottage cheese as lubricant — should we market that?

Share your thoughts.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s