The Porn Reader Demands Quality

The Porn Reader Demands Quality
A cautionary anecdote by RedBud

The porn reader spooned his wife. He pushed his hard-on against her ass.

“Not now,” she sighed, “I have to sleep.”

The porn reader knew better than to insist. She was tired. Maybe tomorrow morning? He sighed. He turned away from her and quietly stroked himself.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing…”

“I just want to sleep.”

The porn reader turned onto his back. He missed the early days, when neither of them could get enough. He missed how his wife used to push against him in the middle of the night, how she would open her legs and press her wetness against his thigh.

He missed waking up to a blow job.

He missed the spontaneity, the quickie. He missed her interest.

She snored.

The porn reader quietly climbed out of bed, threaded the darkness until he’d closed the door to his computer room. The desktop flickered to life. He searched ASSM, then found Storiesonline. He knew what he wanted. He wanted her young, 16 or maybe 14. He wanted her naive and he wanted CP. Yes, and if the sex was mildly NC, all the better. HET. RELUCT. MF, but Mf would be better. He wanted her young and horny with a hard body and a soft, naive little pussy. No rape. Mdom and maybe a little rough? Spanking would be ok. He was in the mood to spank a girl until she fluttered with orgasm.

And there it was.

The perfect story. Yes.

No.

He left the room. Where was the god damned bottle opener? Pale ale? No. Lite? God no. Guinness. Dark. Bitter. That’s what he was in the mood for. He was ready for a girl to be taken hard, slender legs open, back arched and gasping. She would learn what girls were good for.

The bottlecap clattered to the floor. He poured the bottle into his favorite glass. The head just overflowed the lip. He was reminded of a girl’s cream pie, the lips of her sex just overflowing with a froth of cum.

He hurried back to his computer.

He sat.

No.

He stood and took off his briefs.

He sat.

This was quality time.

He clicked on the story and there she was.

The porn reader was 47 with a beer gut, receding hairline and socks.

She was beautiful. She was 14. This was her 1rst.

There wasn’t an ounce of fat on the girl. She was smooth, sleek and hard bodied. But her breasts were soft and perky. There was a slight fuzz at the meeting of her legs, just the way he liked. Her stomach was hard and young, but he knew her pussy was soft. She was naked and embarrassed. A single pearl hung from each of her nipple clamps. Her chest was flushed and red. She was aroused but trying to hide it.

“You know why you’re here?” he asked her.

“No,” she answered. “I … I was just told to be here.”

Yes, he thought, innocent and naive.

“Do you know what a man does to a girl?”

She cast her gaze downward. She was shy. “I’ve heard some … rumors.”

Turn around,” he said.

She glanced up at him reluctantly, maybe defiantly, but then she slowly turned around. A mandala was tattooed on the small of her back. ‘Yes, ‘ he thought to himself, she has spiritual pretensions. I’ll be cumming on that little tattoo. Her ass was perfect and her hips were flawless. Jesus. He quaffed some bitter.

“Put your hands behind your back and kneel.”

She glanced back at him, fearful, but her breathing deepened. The look was priceless. Her nipples were hard and the pearls swung. “Please,” she said. She glanced at his cock, hard and upright. “What are you going to … to do to me?”

He interrupted her. “I said get on your knees.”

She did, awkwardly but in that the beautiful feminine way that hardens cocks. Christ. Her back was flawless and smooth. She arched naturally.

“Now bend over,” he said, stroking his cock.

She moaned but bent over, her hands behind her back, her cheek on the floor.

The porn reader stood up.

No.

Wait.

He quaffed more bitter and wiped his mouth with his wrist. “Tell me what you want,” he burped.

“I don’t know…” she answered quietly.

The porn reader saw the wetness between her legs. She couldn’t hide it – bent over and vulnerable. He got on his knees behind her and smacked her ass. She cried out and her head snapped back. She kept her hands behind her back. He smacked her again and again she cried out. Her hips swivelled and her back arched. She was gasping. Moisture seeped from her young belly and dripped along her thigh. The porn reader was getting ready. He held his cock. Christ, but he was hard.

“Tell me what happens to young teen-aged girls!” he demanded.

“Your going to fuck me?”

Her answer was like a slap. The porn reader faltered. His stroke fell out of sync.

“No,” he said, trying to recover. “‘You’re going to fuck me’.”

“I am?”

“No. ‘YOU ARE.”

“Thats what I said!”

“No you didn’t.”

“I did to.”

“Stop!” he begged.

“What?”

“You said…” The porn reader smacked his balls. “Oh…” he groaned… “Oh shit, that hurt.”

“Your ok?” she asked.

“Don’t talk,” he groaned.

“Dont you want to fuck me?”

“Stop!” The porn reader fell back on his ass. “I can’t … I can’t do this.”

“Why?”

“You’re missing an apostrophe.”

“A what?”

“An apostrophe,” he moaned. “You’re missing an apostrophe.”

“No Im not.”

“Jesus!” The porn reader felt nauseous. He reached, hands shaking, for his bitter. “I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me.” He struggled to his feet. His gut bumped the keyboard. It clattered to the floor.

“Please,” she begged. “Please! Fcuk me! I can’t breath. Cant you see how young I am? Im disparate.”

“Oh … dear God!” The porn reader swooned. “You’re missing an e and you have typo.”

“But…” The girl stood in a huff. “Cant you evn look at me?”

The porn reader’s cock was going limp. “It’s just that … I mean … you’re beautiful, you’re young and you’re an innocent virgin … but…” He guzzled his beer. He had to get the taste of typo out of his mouth. “I have standards,” he burped. “You have typo. You need help. Come back when you’ve been treated. Please.”

“Fine,” the girl stomped. “Like I want to due this for free? Ill find a real man that can fuck me. A man I can respect of.”

The porn reader fell to his knees, wrist to forehead, head averted, other hand waving her away. “Just go! Go! Please! I demand quality! I can’t do this any more!” He fumbled for the keyboard. He banged at the <Escape> key.

The girl slammed the door behind hre.

Latest Comments

  1. Bre Garcia says:

    BWAHAHHAAAA I <3 this! thank you thank you thank you! I'm so tired of all of the your/ur/you're stuff! ugh! I mean, I know we get into the heat of the moment sometimes when we are writing, but geez, it is only two more strokes ;)

  2. willcrimson says:

    I just want to stress this isn’t in response to the helpful corrections in “Hurt Me Good”. This was written a while back on Storiesonline. I used to get not-so-helpful comments on my typos (complaints with no corrections offered) and I began to imagine the experience from their perspective (me as the poor girl). :-)

    • Mystique says:

      Heeeey~
      I’m not that bad ;)

      And funnily enough, our brains sometimes auto correct sentences for us even if there is a word missing (I saw the 2nd set of typos in the hurt me good post) because we know how it’d should flow in context, so puncutation at the least, for me is forgivable, it doesn’t stop me in my tracks, per se.
      But yeah, I personally don’t know if porn readers are any more fussy than any other avid bookworms but good English is good English, it’s not quality, it’s standard. >.>
      (My English teachers would be so proud of me~)

      I do like the concept of the story coming to life though and then talking back at the end, very nice funny touch ^^

  3. Caramella says:

    So true it hurts. I’ve given up on otherwise thrilling stories due to poor grammar and syntax, though I give writers a little leeway for regular, accidental typos.

  4. Squeaky says:

    Oh, Will! This is a thing of beauty! :D Gave me a much-needed belly laugh on my first day back at work. Thanks, and bravo! *applause* x

    • willcrimson says:

      I used to know a woman named Squeaky. She was waifish with short blond hair and tight as a dime.

      Never knew why she was called squeaky until I happened to walk past her boyfriend’s dorm-room while she was being “taken care of”. The delicious little squeals and squeaks lasted for at least 10 minutes – a continuous crescendo. Each little squeak must have been a thrust and the way she was squealing put doggy-style into my head.

      Then there was a final, plaintive little sigh followed by a breathlessly satisfied: “Exquisite”.

      I’ll never forget that.

  5. vanillamom says:

    oh gawd osoooooo funnah!!!!! i am laughing out loud, my neighbors are wondering what the hell i am doing to laugh so loudly at not quite 10 a.m. and ..and…

    omg.

    Once again, a brilliant peace of werk.

    (guffaws)

    nilla

  6. eroticagirl says:

    An amazing piece — I began laughing when she lost her apostrophe. Yes, it seems that so many people write as if texting on their phones. An even greater tragedy is that many people who read it can’t see the problem either. *Sigh*

    • willcrimson says:

      I began laughing when she lost her apostrophe.

      Don’t laugh. You too could lose your apostrophe. It’s ruined relationships. (And I don’t think it’s covered by insurance.)

  7. Ramya Ranee says:

    Bwahahaha! The title caught my eye as I was skimming my reader and for curiosity’s sake, I followed it through. You have wittily put across a situation like this one – which IMO crops up all too frequently. Haha, totally sharing this!

  8. Absinthene says:

    Hilarious. All erotica writers need to read this. Typos are one thing, but when it’s obvious that the author can’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re”, it’s a pretty big turn-off.

  9. Pierre says:

    Wow, disturbing until it’s fully unfolded. Clever and witty. Thx VB.

  10. El Rubio Cuchillo says:

    Hysterical. I almost expected the dialogue to disintegrate further as the bitter took its toll and the typo infection spread. Keep uup the great work. RC

  11. sindiantadka says:

    Howlarious. Grammar as Viagra!

  12. Anonymous says:

    hilarious!

  13. Threadbare Evelyn says:

    This is really good. I had a kind of delayed reaction. I read it this afternoon and found it interesting, but didn’t think too much about it. Then I was walking down the street later, heading to meet a friend for dinner, and it hit me. I had to laugh. Hilarious and well crafted. Reminded me a little of my days of online dating! :-)

  14. covertdreamer says:

    Hello Mr. Will(ing?),

    I just read this tonight, love it. I find clumsy writing a can really distract me from getting into enjoyment mode.

    Saying that, and being newly ‘out there’ with a few words, I find the excitement and impatience to get something ready for the ‘publish’ button easily abets the errors going public.

    Thank you for being the cause of some snickering, in this instance. I’ll be back to enjoy some of your other effects soon.

  15. PagieMoo says:

    I have this problem all the time! It just turns me off so much when the person I am typing with, or the porn I’m reading has bad grammar or spelling.

  16. vanillamom says:

    *back of hand to forehead*

    o you cade…are that why u and i no longer plai?

    i wood have gifted you my hart.

    nilla

  17. Squeaky says:

    *fals of chiar lafing*

  18. LilaRox says:

    This was so funny, and so true. In the age of written communication (FB, twitter, blogs,.texting.and more), I often find myself making assumptions about the writers overall intellectual status based on existance/absence of grammatical and/or spelling errors. An unfair judgement made by a person guilty of multiple errors in sentence structure, passive voice, technical errors, and complete.dependence on spell check. Regardless, it still drives me crazy. Well written. I just…get it.

    • willcrimson says:

      Thanks Lila. This was written, in part, because of my own frustration with readers! I’d squeeze in a story, for free and usually without thanks, with what little time I had, only to have some snarky reader complain about a missing apostrophe and how it ruined their experience. Ha! But I couldn’t write the story without poking fun at myself. :-)

    • LilaRox says:

      I can totally understand you irritation. I am on both sides of the fence. When I write, I get completely irritated with spellcheck, red lines, blue lines, PASSIVE VOICE, etc. Honestly, until you pointed out the first error, I didn’t even notice. However, in the day and age of text-talk along with living in south Gawjuh (GA), improper grammer is a disease around here or something. In my effort not to catch it, I find myself mentally (and verbally if the situation is appropriate) correcting people. My mom has a funny comic posted on FB with some old woman showing a friend the her pictures on the mantle, she tells the woman “these are my grandchildren: OMG, LMAO, and WTF.” My theory: People can’t make fun of me when I’m the first one laughing at myself. Thank you for the free stories. All three of you create written magic that I couldn’t come close to composing with 3 years time, google, and thesaurus.com. So write on!

  19. willcrimson says:

    Well Lila, your comment inspired me to post the sequel to this story: The Porn Reader Demands Quality Codes. By the way, did you want me to clean up the typos in your last comment? ;-)

  20. stephaniesubmits says:

    So I just now read this! Better late than never, right? So many hahas & all the LOLs :D I really appreciate what you *due*

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